FOREIGN AFFAIRS

IN THE WINTER AUSTRALIANS AND NEW ZEALANDERS MIGRATE TO THE MOUNTAINS TO ESCAPE THEIR SUMMER CLIMATES. SCANDINAVIAN, EUROPEAN, AND JAPANESE SHREDS COME TO THE STATES TO GET THE SHOT. EVEN A FEW TANTALIZING SOUTH AMERICANS CAN BE SEEN SCANNING TICKETS IN THE LIFT LINE OR INSTRUCTING. I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER: IS LOVE A FOREIGN CONCEPT?

Let's face it: Anyone visiting the States at some point craves more than just snowboard action. They say love is the international language, so why not get lost in translation for a while? Here's my interpretation of global warming:

Australians and New Zealanders may have misogynistic tendencies, but at least they tell it how it is. If you like the Crocodile Hunter and want to have some wrestling fun of your own after the bar, why not hook it up with one of these down under boys, mate? These blokes tend to be characters and love to keep the party rolling. They're easy to attain, simply bring food and beer.

Mainland Europeans, such as the French, Germans, and Italians are raw, uncut, and forgo the shower. No SoCal pretty boys here. This is a man who will not smell better than you. He is dirty the way Christina Aguilera sings the word. If you like cigarettes, demanding statements like, "We go home now," and don't mind that he rides more than his snowboard switch, why not "make party" with a Euro?

The Japanese boys will smile and nod. They'll teach you words like "asadache" and "kanpei." Just remember he's probably high-tech and has a lot of toys. Also watch out for the samurai alter ego when he's had too many sakes.

The angelic Finnish boys appear to be innocent with their youthful complexions and golden blonde hair, but they may be the worst of all. They are the epitome of a chick magnet and can drink you under the table, that is if they don't black out first. Therefore don't expect him to remember your name because half the time he can't remember his own.

My favorite would have to be the South Americans. If you like intense guys with dark skin and dark wandering eyes, don't pass the quiet Argentinean or Brazilian boy by on the shred hill. They are scarce in mountain towns too, which makes them even more appealing.

Foreigners are the perfect solution to cold, desolate nights. If he's so passionate about snowboarding that he left his country for better snow, he'll be just as adoring of you, even if it's only for a night. The best part is you don't need to understand him. Just kick back and listen to the way he rolls his R's.