TO RIDE OR NOT TO RIDE

WHETHER YOU WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT, EVERY SINGLE GUY OR GIRL ON THE HILL IS LOOKIN' FOR LOVIN'. BENEATH THE STEEZED-OUT SNOWBOARDER IS A DIRE NEED FOR ACTION. I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER, CAN YOU TELL HOW HE IS GOING TO "RIDE" BY THE WAY HE RIDES?

Think about it, from a girl's perspective, we can tell everything we need to know about a potential mate on the mountain—how he rides is a mirror reflection of his performance in the sack. If he's the loud, over-steezed out, "Did you see me cab 270 to 180 out of that double kink rail?" kind of guy, he's definitely overcompensating for a lack of skill elsewhere. Beware of this type—they may seem extremely desirable because they claim to be, but do not be tricked. (And if he talks this much about the rails he's jibbed, think about the chicks he's jibbed.)

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the intimidated, because he's the can't-ride-that-well-yet kind of guy. If he can't charge off a jump, and is self-conscious about it, he probably won't be able to get it up with you either.

Powder days are essential to evaluating the possible mate. If the "no friends on a powder day" line holds true with your man, you might as well ride away solo before the day begins. If he ditches you on the hill, he'll be ditching you for many other days and nights to come. Also on powder days, be wary of the guy who complains it's too cold outside and has to come in before you do. He'll be doing this in the bedroom too and will not take your needs into consideration.

Another type to be forewarned of is the guy who rides switch more than he rides regular. Hmm—Freudian theory would suggest his subconscious instincts might be to go the other way. Other signs include hanging with his friends more than you and slapping their asses after they stomp a trick. He probably spends more time in the bathroom than you do and accessorizes neurotically.

If you're pro, watch out for the gold diggers. Yes, there are boys who will want to use you for your free prody. The key here is to use them first. Also beware of guys who spend too much time alone at night with their shred sticks—waxing, filing, and rubbing stickers on. Need I say more?

The modest, ripping snow shredder with good style that's not too excessive is the one you should be looking for. You will never hear this guy hyping himself up because he doesn't need to. He rides solid on and off the hill.

Ride or not to ride … before you let him slide into your world, see how well he presses the fun box and butters the muffin first, and make sure he always uses a board bag while traveling.