CROUCHING COUGAR HIDDEN GROM

MOUNTAIN TOWNS ARE INHABITED BY MANY BREEDS OF FELINES—FROM THE INFAMOUS COUGARS TO THE WILDCATS, FROM KITTENS TO THE NEWLY ACCLAIMED MILFS. WITH SO MANY BREEDS OF HUNGRY WOMEN, HOW DOES A YOUNG SNOWSHRED LIKE YOU GET IN ON THE ACTION?

The cougar is the alpha female of the cat family, at least in mountain towns, where she preys on young male shredders. The cougar originates from the city and spends several weekends of the year at her mountain estate. The cougar is twice your age or more and has sharp, well-manicured claws, Gucci handbags, and a gold card. A nocturnal species, she is on the prowl at dusk. After consuming a few cosmopolitans she is ready to pounce on the unsuspecting male. She hunts with confidence and always gets what she wants.

If you happen to encounter a cougar do not panic. Running will provoke an immediate, vicious attack. She trains in the gym for hours and can outrun you. Keep your head straight and remain calm. Visualize yourself as Ashton Kutcher and you'll be all right.

Beneath the cougar in the animal kingdom is the wildcat. The wildcat is not quite as powerful as the cougar but nevertheless a feline on the prowl. The wildcat is usually single, in her late twenties to early thirties. Unlike the cougar who prefers to travel alone, the wildcat hunts in packs. The pack consists of equally hot felines. Native to small mountain towns, the wildcat is a highly coveted creature. Her markings include tattoos, piercings, and a keen sense of style.

When approached by a wildcat the young snowboarder male should act confident and engage in intense eye contact. She will sense your interest and initiate the first encounter. Be careful not to talk too much, words may potentially hinder an attack. To increase your chances of a good mauling dress in high fashion denim, styley skate shoes, moderate bling and a leather jacket. The kitten is next in line. She is about the same age as you or younger, hot and knows it. Your status with this species is crucial. If you're not one of the best riders out you may still have a chance … feed her lots of fun sodas. This will help you appear more attractive and seal the deal.

She is not as assertive as the cougar and wildcat. You will need to approach her first. The key to attaining this young pussy is to be a little on the cocky side. Have your bros hype you up to her and her friends and you're in there. Wear anything with a grenade spray-painted on it and she's putty in your hands.

Not to be left out is the MILF, a new breed of feline emerging on the scene with American Pie. She could be your best friend's mom, working your bro's inner circle of friends with her suggestive stare. She feeds you beers, buys you cigarettes, and cooks you breakfast in the morning. Extremely important—do not make the first move, this may startle the MILF and cause a negative reaction. If you're lucky enough, one may advance on you, but don't hold your breath … you're not Finch and she's not Stifler's mom!

With so many options you're bound to get some. Just make sure you ride as good off the hill as you do on. …