LEARN HOW TO PARTY!!! APRES 101

Not long after the first skiers put plank to powder and descended the virgin peaks of this fair land, another alpine tradition took hold. As one revelrous mountaineer put liqueur to lips and contently surveyed the terrain he had just schussed, everyone's second favorite high country pursuit, apres-skiing, was born.

The current apres scene has changed greatly from its decadent '70s heyday. Red Bull has replaced cocaine as the octane du jour and karaoke night has become the wet T-shirt contest of the new millennium. Many diehard apres-ski bums would argue that the dionysian strip mall that constitutes the resorts access road has become a commercial wasteland where the pursuit of the next party has given way to the pursuit of the next dollar. Nonetheless, there is still something alluring about lapping the quad chair till one's quads burn and then cracking an ice cold Coors on a sun deck--even at $6 a can.

So as the crustiest of the crusty reject civilization in favor of living on a "higher" plane, SNOWBOARDER Magazine has decided to accept the task of passing aprEs tradition and etiquette on to the next generation.

The following list is in no way a set of rules. After all, every good apres enthusiast knows that rules were meant to be broken. Instead, view these as a loose set of guidelines or suggestions for accepted behavior. Bear in mind that while you might get beat up by the slopes, the mountain isn't going to ban you for life, slash your tires and then key your car.

1. "APRES" MEANS AFTER One must not partake before or during their days on the hill. This includes taking a pull off some dirty hippie telemarker's boda bag in the lift line or taking a hit off some dirty hippie telemarker's dugout on the lift. The first aid shack or emergency room has no "Happy Hour."

2. TIP GOOD AND TIP EARLY One should try to get to a chosen hot spot between 9:30 and 10:30. At this point in the evening, the rush hasn't started. Workers are still in a good mood and have yet to encounter infinite drunk assholes. One $5 tip at 10 p.m. will do more for your standing with the bartender than ten $5 tips at 1 a.m.

3. DON'T BE A ROOKIE (part 1) Avoid the rookie nights. New Year's, Cinco De Mayo and St. Patrick's Day are holidays based around getting plastered, regardless of whether or not you make going to a bar or drinking part of your normal social routine. This means people who don't regularly drink (rookies) will be on the same playing field as the veterans. Fighting, vomiting, and public displays of affection are telltale signs of a rookie.

4. DON'T BE A ROOKIE (part 2) Remember to bring your I.D. and cash, etc. ... Nothing is a bigger rookie move than getting carded and not having your license on you.

5. DON'T CLAIM LOCAL STATUS Unless you have a driver's license with a local address on it, you're not a local. This address also needs to be where you get your mail sent in both the summer and winter months.

6. KEEP YOUR VACATION TO YOURSELF Never hit on the bartenders or wait staff. They know that when one goes on vacation with their friends, they aren't only on vacation from their job. Odds are they are on vacation from their significant other and/or kids as well.

7. AVOID FRAT DRINKS Jagermeister, Sambuca, Rumplemintz and Cuervo are some staple libations of the apres-ski crowd, yet blackouts and hangovers are just a few of the variable conditions in the forecast whenever these high sugar shots start to accumulate. Red Bull and the sugars found in these types of liqueur keep the body awake long after the mind has passed out, hence the propensity for memory loss when drinking these spirits.

8. BIG SHOT Avoid the shot girls with the test tubes. These girls have a quota, which means they get a bonus if they sell a certain amount of shots. One popular selling technique is for the waitress to offer up their own sobriety and inhibitions as a bonus if the client buys them a shot as well. This is a real sucker move because along with the sub basement level, bottom shelf liqueur they are pushing, they also have a grip of baiter beakers in reserve. These non-alcoholic shots are the ones they toss back while the rest of us punish our wallets and livers.

9. SICK ALTITUDE, BRO! Not only does drinking dehydrate a person but so does the altitude. Remember to keep the nonalcoholic liquids going in the body if you want to get out on the hill the next day.

10. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE If a bad day on the hill is driving you to drink, then leave the keys at home. If a mountain town doesn't have functional public transportation, then it probably doesn't have functional nightlife either.