Hot Air

Fur is murder, yes. But hell, isn’t everything? And what’s a little bloodshed for a whole lot of steeze? I think it’s half a peso.

Oversized leashes, chain wallets, wolfsbane, Misfits patches, stencils, indentured servants, Wu-Tang W’s, Glocks and pirate bandanas—they’ve all had their stint in the snowboard fashion limelight, but it’s time for all this flare to move aside. This season’s steeze is taking it back to the old school, back when bling could bleed; we’re talking about pelts, people! Shredding with wolves. Last of the Boardhicans. We can all respect, study, fear or question our native forefathers, but one can’t deny that when it came to rocking a trophy, nobody did it better than the pre-Spaniard Americans.

First, one needs to decide what their kit is lacking. Are your Burton SkyCaps not quite helping you stand out in the Snowbird Tram Line? Baby turtle shells can not only hold your toes down but they bring your style up as well. Talk about fashionable and functional. Furthermore, if you are the type of person who has a moral objection to killing an animal just for the sake of flair, you can also eat the meat! Baby turtles are the veal of the amphibian world. Other members of the animal kingdom one can don include:

BEAV-AIR A beaver pelt adhered directly in front of your lead binding on the heelside edge can help you grab some beav while doing a huge backside … air.

ON PINS AND NEEDLES Porcupines are popular in between the bindings. Never will a stomp pad be more grippy—or dangerous. Problems are posed if you like stiffy rodeos or carrying your board like most people.

HAND PL-ANTLER If you are the luckiest dudette/dude in the world, you could have a nice rack on your hands. If this is the case, mounting it on your nose is the only way to go. You never know when the next time you may have a killer rack on your nose may be, so take advantage of this opportunity.

Warning: Horny bucks run rampant in the mountains, so if you are riding in the backcountry, you may want to keep an eye on your own backcountry. Getting a frisky eight-pointer’s one point is never as funny as it is on paper.

SNAKE RUN Nothing says leash like a stuffed king cobra coiled and ready to strike! Works equally well as a theft deterrent.

For all applications, use Bondo, hot glue or rubber cement. Make sure to settle on a layout before anything gets affixed. You’d hate to have a wrinkle or misplacement of creature. That is not only careless but is disrespectful as well.

So how does one acquire the above mentioned animals? Instead of taking to the open plains with a bow and arrow, you can opt to hunt and stalk your furry prey on the thrift/antique store taxidermy circuit. Most of these dust markets have antlers and varmint skins nestled amongst the crates of big band LPs and vintage Coca Cola bottles. Be sure to bargain in an obnoxious manner when it comes time to discuss price. Most antique dealers are wealthy eccentrics, white slavers or meth dealers so the store is probably just a front to launder ill-begotten income. Furthermore, haggling adds sport to the acquisition of a defenseless animal needlessly killed for another’s fancy.

Now with a critter in hand you can take your new gear to a place called Aspen, and show those plastic pelt-grubbing wrinkle hounds a thing or two about high fashion. Buck up, and keep it native.