GAMES 101

Games are evident everywhere. People play games to stay busy, burn calories—sometimes even to make a living. There are many games out there that aren’t as accepted as soccer or baseball, and they are getting huge. One day these very games will be broadcast internationally and give birth to some of the greatest athletes of all time. And I will be Ed Mcman, bitch.

One of the better and more interactive games that started my gaming career was a little ditty I call “Assy Grabby Facey Slappy”. I know this one sounds simple, but I assure you it takes careful planning and is not for the weak at heart. Now the object of this (partner up) game is to pick a girl that your friend will have to grab the ass of and try to not get busted. If he accomplishes his mission, he now chooses your booty grab victim. As easy as this may seem, you have to keep in mind two things. First, how long do you want to stay at this bar, and second, how many chicks with Big fuckin’ hockey boyfriends are around when it’s your turn to grab. These two questions will make or break your night. Oh yes, never play with a girl—she will win every time.

Now the last game I want to reveal can quench your thirst in a hurry (get you hammered). It also takes place at (big surprise here) the bar/pub/tavern and is a game that involves a little intelligence. The Game I speak of is known only as “Make her think you went to school with her”. You’ll need to find a partner of the same sex and have a decent amount of cash in your pocket. It also helps if your partener is foreign or has an accent, this way he’s fucked right from the beginning. Okay, now the target you want to choose for your friend is someone that looks annoyed, uptight or a stuck up. Frigid looking girls will help your odds. The target will think it’s a pick up attempt right away and shoot your friend down with a smile. Something to watch out for in places like California, are people who like they’re from a different country. These targets are good because your half drunk friend wont realize what you’re doing until the bet is made and then it will be too late. Also keep in mind that you’ll have to get some background info from your target “school mate” to slide in a few winning lines. Find out where she’s from and make it sound like you’re just curious because she looks like someone you knew from childhood. Use CHILDHOOD or it’s just another pick-up line. Make sure she says the school name before you. Don’t guess or her boyfriend might kill you. Let her do all the talking.

This concludes Gaming 101. Give any of the above a try and let me know how it goes. And if you dream up any ingenious new games drop me an email: Andrewhardingham@hotmail.com