THE "YOU KNOW WHAT" IN A SKI TOWN

MANHUNT

The mountain is like a masquerade ball. Snowboard clothes are bulky, and that damn ninja facemask trend makes it hard to see anyone. Then there is the après scene, which ranks up there with frat parties, strip clubs, sports bars, and AA meetings as the least likely place to meet Mr. Right. So where else can a single, lonely ski town girl go to find a nice guy?

Singles’ Line
The chairlift is the alpine equivalent of the stranger on a plane. Sitting in close proximity to someone is always conducive to small talk. This is a great gauge to decide if you would like to take things further once you get to the top. Besides, gondola gropes are the new mile high club!

Lessons In Love
For the novice snowboarder, hiring an instructor cannot only improve your on-hill skills but it can also improve your off-hill social status. The cliché of the studly ski school instructor has lured many a woman to lower their inhibitions while raising their abilities. Recall Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing?

First Baselodge!
There is much to be said for lodge liaisons. Now that everyone has removed their outerwear, you can finally see what you have to work with. Next, check out the meal he’s consuming. If ketchup and crackers are the chosen cuisine du jour, then supporting your low-grade sushi habit will be way beyond his means. Also, if he’s on the sundeck drinking Coronas by noon, you know what you’ll be dealing with the rest of the season and beer goggles on the slope lead to something much worse than regret: physical injury.

Achy Breaky Heart
Two words: sympathy pain. All it takes is one bad landing in the park to get a chance to land a hot ski town doctor. That is if the ski patrol doesn’t woo you out of the sled first. Of course, SNOWBOARDER would never condone anyone putting themselves in harm’s way for the sake of a good time. Doctors and other medical care providers aren’t the only people one can meet at a hospital. Cops, lawyers, gun shot victims, and other injured snowboarders are among the many potential mates one can encounter amongst the gurneys. The real bonus of meeting someone at a hospital is the easy access to their chart. And I’m not talking their astrological chart either. While knowing someone’s sign can be useful in a useless kind of way, I have never seen a person’s real name, address, date of birth, or whether or not they have herpes written in the stars.

The Hottie Tub
This is not Malibu—it is a freezing-ass resort town. So who knows what’s beneath that puffy coat? Once you get your potential mate to the tub it’s like unwrapping a Christmas present. If you’re looking for a rich vacationer, visit the high-class resort and spa. For a clean livin’ local, go to the gym. Lastly, if you prefer dirty hippies, go au natural in the hot springs, but hot springs really are disgusting and so are hippies for that matter. The only bright side of going to a hot spring is once you get a rash you’ll have an excuse to go to the hospital and meet a real man. (See Achy Breaky Heart.)

Meet Market
Don’t just go to the grocery store for food. It’s called the checkout line for a reason and someone who can actually afford groceries in a ski town is pretty much a keeper. Also, you can further predict compatibility by what’s in his cart. For example, is he a healthy eater who buys soymilk, sprouts and hummus, or a junk food junkie with PBR, Doritos, and ring dings in the cupboards? Avoid all encounters with anyone whose cart is occupied by tampons, cutlery, Top Ramen, rattraps, curry, hamster feed, Tofurky, Details Magazine, Visine, Goldschlager, generic toilet paper, or diapers.

If these spots don’t pan out, you should check the library, coffee shop, Internet café, post office, bank, and vacation home realtor. Or you should check your standards at the door and have a good time you stuck up, superficial, snobby, unrealistic, egotistical, elitist, self-centered, prude, high maintenance, c-word!