DRIVEN TO RIDE '05 - MOUNTAIN HIGH

For the second year in a row, the Driven to Ride Motorhome Tour kicked off its annual s--t storm at Mountain High, CA. I don't know why, but I love this place. I'm normally not into the shirtless kid with a ridiculous tribal piece on his back snaking my line, or the misled prepubescent girl smoking ciggys in the lift line, nor do I usually take pleasure in having to rent boots with some foul, possum-sweat stink blasting in my face because I forgot mine at home. Yet, I am strangely attracted to this place. It must be the resort's unequalled commitment to snowboarding.

In an unplanned act of coincidence, our visit coincided with The Kawasaki Triple Air kick jam contest. Riders from far and wide converged on this triple jump competition for a combined prize total of 25,000 scrillas. Among the kids skyrocketing for big-time air was the mildly retarded Keenan Rice, local destroyer Danny Malley, and freakish child prodigy Tyler Flanagan. Unfortunately for those boys and about 150 others, they really had no reason to show up. Because of the absolutely punishing ways of Rham Klampert, the rest of the field was left with a very small chance of taking this one. Contest results are as follows: 1.Rhaminator Klampert 2. Cody Rosenthal 3. Myles Hallen. In addition to the big moneys, Rham also took home a new Kawasaki quad for winning the best trick contest, which is nice.

Our own event made quite a scene at the bottom of the resort. When it comes to instigation, my talents cannot be ignored, and my mind controling techniques over small children are unparalleled. It is because of these skills that I am able to do my job properly and assign each and every person who presents themselves to me a fair and proportionate amount of goods. Socks from 32 Boots were a hit with the foot-diseased crowd. Not to get sidetracked, but I think a great name for a video would be "The Sag Remains the Same." It could open with the Led Zeppelin song of a similar name and show shred-dogs ripping all over the place with their little fannies hanging out. Then the world could see how awesome it is to have a wet ass when you ride. Anyway, we gave out belts from 686 Enterprises in an effort to contain this epidemic.

In conclusion, I must say that as with any snowboarder, Mountain High treated us well. They are having a great snow year, and the park is better than I have ever seen it. So next time you are in the Los Angeles area, go visit Mountain High (www.mthigh.com). As for us, we are off to Big Bear, home of the cockeyed California cougar.