DIRTY SOUTH: The RV Trip Uncensored Interview

SNOWBOARDER’s March Issue features a story about a ten-day trip to New Zealand. Chris Bradshaw, Denis “Sketchy D” Bonjourno, Dustin Craven, Peter Line, Lonnie Kauk, Todd Malus and Jacqui Berg braved the hazards of life in an RV. The last night in Wanaka the “Dirty South” voyagers sat down over Thai food and interviewed each other. The following questions and answers are uncensored and tell a bit of the story behind the story.
-Pat Bridges

Lonnie Kauk: So what’s up with them NZ vapors?
Chris Bradshaw: Damn them NZ vaporz! The vapors ain’t shit out here compared to Cali. I think I spent fifty bucks and that’s all I wanted to spend. Actually T Hall and Lil' Anderson helped us out though.

LK: What was it like to stay in the RV with the crew?
CB: The RV was good. No complaints. It was very crowded and mud everywhere. Feelin’ dirty though and right at home. Scared shitless going down some gnarly roads. The crew kept it clean, at least in my bus. I heard the other bus had some issues with a glory hole and a couple Mongoloids. Our bus was a-OK.

LK: What’s up with snorting whiskey?
CB: I like to snort whiskey. I had a little sinus infection and cleared it out with Makers Mark.

LK: What’s up with rockin’ the hoody when it is ten degrees?
CB: Shit, you’ve got to rock the hoody style. Keep it G’d up for my niggaz Lazer, Goon Squad, and Max Dubs rock hoody’s and tall t’s when it is ten below.

Chris Bradshaw: Do you always show up with an entourage?
Dustin Craven: Yeah. Everywhere I go I’ve got to have an entourage. You are only as cool as the people you are with. That’s the way I roll.

CB: You’ve got hundreds of handplant and tripod variations under your belt but after this trip to New Zealand how many other tricks have been slayed?
DC: Two but I feel that I’ve hurt a lot of other people’s souls.

CB: So what does that make your total number of victims?
DC: Oh Jesus! We’ll keep that confidential. It takes me up to six in NZ in the last three years. No repeats in NZ.

CB: What did you place in the NZ Open pipe?
DC: I placed most well rested. I did the same in the slopestyle. I was sliding the Z-rails all day.

CB: The last question that everyone needs to know, except for Tall Todd because he was there, what’s the infamous glory hole?
DC: The hole in the RV where you put your unit to check the temperature.

Dustin Craven: If our waitress from Estonia was for sale would you buy her?
Peter Line: Estonia is a part of the former Soviet Union and they have Russian mail order brides so if I was interested in buying a mail order bride I would pick her.

DC: Was this trip to NZ more legendary than your last?
PL: The last one five years ago was more of a business trip so I will discount that one. The one before that, Jamie Lynn was on that trip. Circe Wallace. There are a lot of young guys here that could turn into legends like those guys did, so I don’t know.

DC: So it was less legendary because we only had one legend on this trip.
PL: Very less legendary. Very amateur trip.

DC: If you could give Jacqui a nickname what would it be and you can’t say Jerkui, Jacinator, Jerq Off, Hipwreck or Homewreck?
PL: That’s a hard one. I don’t know.

DC: What’d you call her when she was sixteen?
PL: My roommate’s 16-year-old friend.

DC: What makes Pat Bridges such a cocksucker?
PL: His raspy throat.

Todd Malus: Big L, I’d like to start by saying I strapped on the blades for these questions because we need to get down to business here. There are serious things we need to talk about. Lets get some facts on the table. Is the hardware metal or plastic?
Lonnie Kauk: I’ll take a guess, metal.

TM: Why are you guessing?
LK: Because it probably is. Heavy metal.

TM: What was running through your head when Sketchy D, good guy, pulled your RVDA girl aside and shared a mouth-to-mouth moment with her? Were you thinking threesome or bitch?
LK: I think she wanted to have sex with the van.

TM: You know what she was thinking but what were you thinking?
LK: I was thinking that I was hanging with some rowdy dudes.

TM: A little controversial here but was Jacqui still calling you Big L this morning?
LK: Of course. I took her to the spirit world.

TM: Lastly, when you stomp off a jump do you walk away or does the landing?
LK: We both do. When I land I leave a part of me there so when I come back I know I’ll stomp again.

Denis Bonjourno: Todd could we get your full name?
Todd Malus: Tall Todd Alexander Malus.

DB: You’re from Canada eh?
TM: Canada, Beaver, Kokanee beer.

DB: Do you think you could have gotten away with sneaking on this trip without Dustin?
TM: With my tall figure and stunning good looks I’d say no. It would have been hard to get away with.

DB: You have been Dustin’s right hand man this whole trip except for that one night in the RV. Why weren’t you there to help him?
TM: I actually broke my right arm four years ago so I am his left hand man.

DB: And his filmer, correct?
TM: Sometimes it is hard to get the left hand in there and film at the same time but when the opportunity does arise I am there in milliseconds.

DB: Do you think being so attached with Dustin affected your chances of sealing the deal throughout the trip?
TM: Are we honestly going to go through this interview just asking questions about Dustin or are we going to turn this around to where the real sexual tension was. I’m going to get some me and Jacqui questions out there or this interview is going to go absolutely nowhere.

DB: Do you think your sexual frustration may be…
TM: … One hundred percent due to Jacqui. You don’t even need to finish that question. She built up the bank and left it there.

DB: Dustin saw the “Future” during this trip. Were you able to see the “Future”?
TM: I saw the “future” and it was grim. I will say nothing else.

Peter Line: SO how long was it into this trip that you decided it was a bad idea?
Jacqui Berg: When I had to leave my cozy hotel room to go into a cold RV with 9 dudes I didn’t know a ton well. I have to admit I was excited to mix it up because I usually travel with 8 girls so it was kinda fun.

PL: Ten days in an RV with 9 dudes is a lot of male holdup. Who had the worst desperate attempts at a hook up and explain?
JB: Todd. He wasn’t getting any cause Dustin was getting all the action. It seems like they were all getting some. They’d all come home with girls from the bar or that they’d meet at the gas station when they were walking home. The full service gas station.

PL: Did Todd cry when you punched him in the face?
JB:I don’t know but he didn’t talk to me for three days. I think we made up today.

PL: Nine guys and one girl in an RV sounds like a good time for you except it is these dudes. Besides myself who would be the perfect RV dudes to travel with?
JB: I like entertainment and I like to laugh so maybe the Chippendales dancers.

PL: They’re not funny.
JB: To be honest I thought this crew was awesome.

PL: But to be dishonest?
JB: To be dishonest I don’t even know. I like this crew. Hmmm. What’s the best group for the best gangbang? The first time I ever saw porn was the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee video at Peter Line's house. I was sixteen and freaking out because I was at Peter's watching a porn and that was pretty cool.

Jacqui Berg: So Denis I have heard a lot of really good stories about you over the years from trips you have been on. Why were you so mellow on this trip? I have no dirt on you.
Denis Bonjourno: I had a rough winter. A crazy winter. I used this time to snowboard rather than to do other things. Maybe you thought this crew would get crazy. Maybe we became more of a unit and made things happen instead of destroying everything around us. Which we did though snowboarding wise.

JB: Speaking of becoming one unit. Sleeping in the smaller RV with Dustin and Todd did you ever have to be like them and cuddle with each other to stay warm? Ever have a three-way cuddle?
DB: To tell you the truth I was rather jealous at times because there was frost on the windows and they were in the fetal position cuddling in absolute comfort and warmth. I was left to freeze on the lower bunk. You win some and lose some I guess.

JB: They finally figured out that it is pretty good to cuddle with girls instead of each other and picked some up at the gas station on the way home. What is it like to sleep in a van that’s a rockin’ when it is not you rockin’ it?
DB: It was disturbing at times. You are just lying there waiting for the madness to end. It is like a rollercoaster. You have no control of it 'til it is over with.

JB: Did you ever ask to take a turn?
DB: I would have not been in line because Tall Todd was waiting his turn the whole time. I don’t think I could have squeezed in there you could say.

JB: When and why did you decide to grow your beard out? Do you ever get mistaken for any famous people or biblical characters?
DB: Biblical characters of course, famous, not really unless you call hobos famous. I started growing the beard because I decided to say what the fuck, why not.

Read about the rest of the Dirty South trip in SNOWBOARDER's March issue.

Click here for the Dirty South Photo Gallery

NZ RV Tour Video